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Saturday, 18 September 2010

One night in Blackpool

In a hotel in Blackpool right next to one of the biggest roller coasters in the world, this is the view from my hotel window.

Under pressure from someone who's opinion I really care about, I was urged to go on the bloody thing.

Ok I texted back, after I have had a can of strong Danish lager as a source of 'dutch courage'. Duly opened can of 'yes juice', I was prepared to take a ride on by the time I had poured the can of 'go' juice down my gullet and I suddenly realized the near constant noise of this behemoth contraption, had ceased. I enquired of one of the hotel staff, what had changed?

"the ride has closed" I was informed, the sense of relief was palpable.

Got up this morning thinking I had escaped, was startled to hear during breakfast about half nine, the damned contraption start up again.

I had been told by the hotel staff that the ride started at 10:30 in the morning, suits me I thought, not enough time, I escape I thought, with a more relaxed mental state, like the hotel threw you out at 11 not enough time for the flying torture chamber.

But when I heard the thing kick off again, I fell into a moral dilemma the ride was open again (or so I thought), there was no way out, I would have to admit to being a coward or enter a living nightmare.

So I extracted my scooter from the hotel, and set off in the seeking of hell on wheels.

When I arrived at the start of the ride I was horrified to discover a queue, not only was I about to be tortured, but I would have to wait in line for other people to be tortured in front of me.

What had happened was the devils had started the thing up early just to drum up business.  

After a three minute violent turmoil of three dimensional objectification, which led to me feeling slightly abused, I dreamed passionately, of this violent bodily throwing about, to come to an end, to be no longer at the whim of some manic engineer, that considered me, a way for him to empty his testicles and fill his wallet.

The ride lasted for around 3 minutes, not the nicest 3 minutes I have ever spent, but certainly memorable for the worst reasons imaginable.

Imagine how a ragdoll feels and you will understand what one of the biggest roller coasters in the world does to you.

When you innocently in ignorance, throw a little child in the air then catch it, why does it giggle?

I had originally planned to video the ride myself, but when I got to the top the height made me put my camera away and hang on for grim death.

So I will let this brave soul take you around, what I cannot understand is why he is grinning at the end. 


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